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You've seen it – the one with Kathie Lee Gifford? On the plane ride, I kept replaying in my head that campy commercial from Carnival Cruise Lines from years ago.
HAIRY GAY MEN FAT UPGRADE
Between the both of us, we had enough frequent flier miles to upgrade to first, which kind of helped. In our case, we flew on Delta because they are the big carrier out of here. We decided to give ourselves two days in San Juan because the flight from Minneapolis can be long and grueling. In our case, Adam and I would be sailing from San Juan, Puerto Rico. When you go on a cruise, you typically fly a day or two before to the departure date. Yes, I still had a muffin top but it wasn’t pouring over my belt like Niagara Falls anymore. I was down to a 35 – which was one size smaller than what I had hoped. Not too bad – just a small muffin topīy the time our trip rolled around, I had made significant progress. And so I hired a personal trainer and forced myself to go to almost every day. It would take a lot of work but I was determined to do it. My goal was to move from a size 38 pair of jeans down to 36. I knew I wasn’t going to completely get rid of my love handles but I could, at least, reduce them to something respectable. Our Atlantis cruise was set to sail in March, which gave me roughly six months to get myself into better shape. But I figured you only live once so why not? When you added everything up, it was near $4000.00. I gulped when he told me the price tag would be north of $2,500.00 for a Sky Suite – and that didn’t include airfare or hotel. So anyway, it took a lot of arm-pulling on his part but I agreed to go. If I had to describe myself, I guess I resemble a heavier version of Matt Damon, circa 2008. I guess I would fit into the heavy cub territory? You see, I’m one of those gay men that happens to have love handles. When Adam sprung the whole gay cruise thing on me, I was hesitant to agree because of my long- standing body image issues. In fact, I wonder sometimes if the marketing gurus don’t hire models just to lure us gays in?
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It’s always a bunch of young, muscled up guys that look like they jumped right out of an Andrew Christian Ad.